I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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