Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
