decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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