Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
