Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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