i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
