Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
