y did u give ur computer a hand job?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
