I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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