Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My balls are so social today.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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