took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
