Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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