I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
