I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
