Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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