So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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