Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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