I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
