next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
