I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
