I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
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