I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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