so that wasnt chicken after all
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize