How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
