Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
