Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize