I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
