I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
