A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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