The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
