Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
