Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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