Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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