I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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