I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
