are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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