I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So much rum. So many feels.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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