i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
