haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
