he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
