Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
