it was like eating out sand paper
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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