My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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