I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
only if we run a train.
done.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
