i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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