I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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