I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
