we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I need a beard to bite.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
