I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
