Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
