also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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