Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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