woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
