Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
