I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
