I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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