At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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