My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
All I want is dick and wine.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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