Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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